I have always been somewhat of an anxious person. I like to think that I hide it well, but my family and my very closest friends know that I struggle with these demons. Even when I was a little girl, I would lay down for bed at night and my mind would start racing and work me into a panic. I think back to that time and wonder what I could have possibly had to worry about. Obviously, I made it to the next day and the day after that and God carried me through every step of the way.
As I am meeting new people through my patient pool, I come to learn very intimate details through taking health histories or our conversations while waiting for the faculty to check my work. There is a common theme of anxiety, whether it be for the changes that are happening at our nation's capital, financial problems, family issues, or anxiety for the sake of anxiety itself. I have discovered I am more of "the norm" than I thought I was.
Just like when I was a little girl, I still get nervous and a lot of the time, it is for no reason whatsoever. I realized through my "Eye episode" as I am beginning to call it, that I am a planner. I like to know what I am going to do today, tomorrow, and the next five years. When things do not go according to this plan, this is when the pit in my stomach forms and my heart beats a little faster. We had a sermon a few weeks ago where our pastor began talking about this exact subject. He said, "The root of anxiety is our mistrust in God's perfect plan." He also said that we like the idea that we have control over our situation. I agree with his statements, at least it rings true in my own life. God has blessed me so richly; how could I not trust Him to do what is best for me and his kingdom?
As I look back through my few years of life, I see anxiety in going to a new school where I knew hardly anyone. I see anxiety in college about whom I should date and associate myself with. I see anxiety in attempting to get into dental school my first time around. I see anxiety with each benchmark I have had to surpass throughout dental school. And then, I look to God. Each situation has occurred according to His plan. Of this I am certain. Every plan that I have worked up as the best plan for myself has not compared to what God has laid out for my life.
In these times where I get nervous over some insignificant thing, I think back to when I was a little girl lying in bed worrying. My sweet Daddy would come sit on my bed and sing beautiful old hymns. I remember drifting asleep to the sounds of "I Love You, Lord" and "It is Well With My Soul." Whenever my parents catch me worrying, they give me verses that comfort me and submerge me with prayer. One of my favorite passages to meditate over is Philippians 4:6-7.
"Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."
Although there are many of things in this life for us to worry and obsess over, I am learning to leave my fate in His hands and being open to the opportunities He places in my path. I have no idea what I will be doing in the future, but I have faith that it will be wherever God wants me.